Time is a flat circle, and every four years we're reminded of this eternal truth by the Winter Olympics. A fleeting moment of international unity before we all go back to hating each other on the internet. If you're not already catatonically exhausted from the barrage of bad news, congratulations, because the USA men's hockey team is playing in the quarterfinals. Prepare to feel patriotic and vaguely disappointed at the same time. So, grab your lukewarm domestic beer, put on your ironic Team USA jersey, and prepare to witness the epitome of athletic competition (sponsored by corporations you've never heard of). It's either this or contemplate the meaninglessness of existence, and honestly, the hockey is slightly less depressing.

The Big Picture

The USA men's hockey team is battling it out in the Winter Olympics quarterfinals. They're facing off against a team of other highly-trained athletes who are also probably questioning their life choices. The game is happening RIGHT NOW! Somewhere! Possibly in a time zone that makes absolutely no sense. The stakes? Bragging rights and the fleeting illusion of national pride. Why now? Because the Olympics are on, and someone has to watch them, or else all those corporate sponsors will be very, very sad.

By the Numbers

30 minutes The amount of time you'll spend trying to find a working stream online. $14 million Approximate salary of the highest-paid player on the team, which you will never make in your lifetime. -10 degrees Fahrenheit The average temperature at the Olympic village, which is probably warmer than your apartment. 4 years The amount of time you'll have to wait for this existential dread to return. 1 in 329.5 million Your odds of becoming an Olympic athlete.

What Changed

The concept of 'amateur' sports died a long time ago. Now, it's just a bunch of professionals pretending to care about national pride while raking in endorsement deals. The Olympics have evolved from a celebration of athletic prowess to a hyper-commercialized spectacle designed to distract you from the impending climate apocalypse. Blame capitalism, blame the media, blame the insatiable human need for entertainment. Whatever. Just watch the game.

Why It Matters

It doesn't. None of this matters. We're all just hurtling through space on a giant rock, and one day the sun will explode and swallow us whole. But hey, at least you can say you watched the hockey game. Maybe you'll even have a good story to tell your therapist. Or maybe you'll just end up arguing with strangers on Twitter about whether or not that was a penalty. Either way, it's a distraction. And in this day and age, a distraction is a precious commodity.