What is the sound of one man skating? Probably just the wind whistling past his ears as he contemplates the futility of striving in a world hurtling toward entropy. Anyway, some dude named Jordan Stolz did some skating in some Olympics. Let's pretend it matters for a few minutes before the inevitable heat death of everything. Spoiler alert: He already skated (depending on when you are reading this). So, the outcome is already written in the uncaring void of spacetime. Whether he won or lost, the sun will still rise, the traffic on I-35 will still be a nightmare, and your boss will still expect you to answer emails after 5 PM.

The Big Picture

Jordan Stolz, the 21-year-old speed skating phenom and world record holder, competed in the men's 1,000 meters at the Milan Cortina Games. The question wasn't if he *could* win, but if the arbitrary rules of this particular simulation would allow him to. The real race, of course, is against time itself, and we're all losing.

By the Numbers

21 The age of Jordan Stolz, a mere blip in geological time. 1,000 The distance in meters of the race, a completely arbitrary measurement. World Record Holder A title that will eventually be broken, rendering this moment insignificant. Milan Cortina Games The location of this spectacle, soon to be another forgotten footnote in history. Team USA A collective of individuals briefly united by a shared flag and a fleeting moment of national pride.

What Changed

Well, Jordan Stolz exists now, and he's really good at going fast on ice. This is different from a time when he didn't exist, or wasn't good at skating. The forces at play are the unrelenting march of time, the human desire to achieve fleeting moments of glory, and the marketing departments of various sportswear companies.

Why It Matters

It doesn't. Not really. But, if you need a reason to get out of the house and pretend that something matters, watching someone push the limits of human potential, however briefly, is as good as anything else. Plus, the bar probably has the game on, and the beer is cold. Novelty slows down the perception of time passing, and that's the best we can hope for.